Unfortunately, sometimes things don't go according "to plans". Sometimes complications arise which could not have been anticipated, or prevented, which preclude that "happy" or sometimes even, "healthy", outcome.
Sometimes the things that don't go according to plans may be simple and small, like the new father who forgets to bring the camera to the hospital. While this may seem small, but for the new father who envisioned his primary role in labor as the photographer, or videographer, not having that piece of equipment can bring a great sense of disappointment and let-down to his experience. I actually had a delivery where this occurred and the laboring mother scolded the dad for being disappointed. I could see however, that for months this man had looked forward to this very thing and in their haste to make it to the hospital, the video camera had been forgotten.
Sometimes the things are not quite as simple as that. Perhaps an epidural that never quite seems to make the mother completely comfortable. For the couple who had been promised a labor of relative ease, this can significant change their attitude and perception of the day and the events. Telling them to think about their baby won't help erase the disappointment they are experiencing.
For the patient who desires to go totally without interventions or medications and
then finds it necessary, in spite of their plans, to have a Cesarean Section, the disappointment and grief afterward can be quite severe. Some patients have even been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder afterward.Then there are those cases where the unexpected outcomes are very big. Perhaps the baby is very ill, is born with unexpected anomalies, or perhaps there is even the loss of the baby. Although "fetal demise" as health care providers term it (perhaps to help them stave off grief until a later time) doesn't happen often, it does still happen.
It is important when handling disappointment and grief related to labor to approach it the same way you approached the expectations of delivery, together. Each partner needs to allow the other to express their emotions in the manner which is most consistent with their character. Some people are very vocal and open with their emotions. They cry easily, perhaps even loudly. Others are very quiet and stoic. It does not mean that the person who is more vocal feels more strongly than the person who is more quiet. These are just personality difference.
Most people at some point of grieving will experience times of anger. The anger may not be directly related to the event or those around the event. It may be directed to their partner or other family members. Anger is a normal part of the grieving process and must be dealt with for closure to occur.
Some people will begin to question themselves regarding the situation. "If I had only done this", or "If I hadn't done that", are normal thoughts and expressions of the grief process. These too must come and go for the person to find healing of their grief.
If you have experienced perinatal loss, which includes the loss of a pregnancy or a newborn, please seek a perinatal support group in your area. You and your spouse will find the help, comfort and encouragement of those who have walked the path before you invaluable. If you don't have a support group in your area, here is a website that is a great place to start: http://www.griefwatch.com/.
Remember, you do not need to go through this alone. There is help available for you. Speak to your health care provider, call your local Labor & Delivery unit or contact your clergy, but talk to someone. Grief should never be shouldered alone.
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