For Your Family

This post is not for the expectant mother, or even for the expectant father.  It is for everyone else who will enter the room before, during or after the baby is born.  So if you are the mother, send them this link and tell them I told you to!

Having a baby is an exciting an a stressful time for new parents and even those who have been through it before.  Birthing a new baby not only brings a new little one into the world, it often births a new family:  a new mother, new father, often new grandparents as well.  Everyone is excited and a little nervous.  Everyone in some way is concerned about how the day will affect them.

In over three decades I have seen families who deal with this stress and excitement well, and those who don't.  I have a few tips for family members to help the day go easier and to help the new parents have an easier adjustment in their very stressful day.

JUST WHO'S THE MOTHER AROUND HERE?

It sounds cruel, but the first thing I have to say to every family member, be it the patient's mother, grandmother, the father of the baby's mother or grandmother (dad's just don't seem to have this problem too much):  IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU! 

This is her day.  She is now the mother.  She is the one having the baby.  The doctor wants to talk to her.  The nurse wants to talk to her.  It really isn't necessary for you to be there at all unless she desires  you to be there.  And sometimes, she won't want you there -- no matter how much you want to be there.  You do not have an inherent right to be in her labor room or in her delivery simply because you are "The Grandmother".  I was not present in the birth of either of my grandchildren.  I knew my son and his wife had a right to their privacy and to go through the delivery of their children without anyone else present if they wanted.  The decisions the new parents make are theirs and should be honored with respect. Now, that was hard, but it is true.  That being said, there are some things which can make things easier on the new parents, and easier on yourself if you prepare ahead.

TIPS FOR FAMILY MEMBERS

• Don't get there too soon -- believe it or not we have often had family members make it to the hospital before the patient arrives.  Labor is often a long process, there is not much need to get there as soon as she does.  Often too, the nurses need some time without visitors for the admission process.  It can stress the laboring mother to know she has visitors in the waiting room.  She feels the responsibility of "hostess"  and will try to make everyone as comfortable as possible.  That unfair burden needs to be removed from her.
• Make your visits short -- even if she seems comfortable, she is still in a stressful time.  She needs as much rest as she can get.  She will not rest if people are having conversations in her room.  She will still be listening and trying to make sure everyone is happy.
• Keep your visits quiet -- You will be happy and excited that your new little one is coming, but you never know what the patient in the next room is experiencing.  She could even be in very pre-term labor and frightened of what the future holds for her baby!  Keeping your voice low will keep your loved-ones room calm and will keep your voices from carrying to other rooms.
• Don't eat in her room -- She may tell you it's fine, but if she can't eat, it is just plain cruel to eat in front of her.  Not only that, nausea is common in labor and the smell of food may trigger nausea and vomiting for her.
• Bring the new father food -- He can eat in the waiting room if he wants, but he shouldn't feel as if he has to leave to find something to eat.  Take good care of him throughout the day and you will reduce her stress significantly.
• Bring things to keep yourself and little ones occupied in the waiting room -- if there are small children present, bring plenty of things for them to do.  Bring things to keep yourself occupied as well.  Don't plan to store it all in her room, however, you don't want to be going in and out and in and out to get things. That is not only stressful, it's annoying.
• Don't ask "what's taking so long?" -- even if you mean it as a joke, she has no control over the length of her labor and if it has been a while, she is likely to be concerned about that,  Your question will only raise more concerns.  That fear can actually hinder her body working efficiently and effectively.  Be supportive, encouraging and loving.
• Don't tell your horror stories -- No one in the room wants to hear how long you were in labor and how much it hurt, and she especially doesn't need to hear it.  Don't tell her how badly she is going to hurt, either.  The fear you cause in her will increase tension which will stimulate nociceptors to actually increase her pain levels.  Follow the "Thumper Rule":  if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all!
• Don't wear perfume or cologne -- laboring women are sensitive to smells and very susceptible to nausea.  Strong perfumes and colognes can trigger vomiting.
• Don't smoke or eat strongly flavored foods before visiting -- for the same reason.  If you must have those onions on that hamburger, use some breath mints before you visit.
• Give privacy when privacy is due -- Please leave the room for exams or times when she is exposed.  Even if you will be present during delivery, please give her all the privacy you can.  If you are her mother, you may remember changing her diapers, but she doesn't.  You would want the same privacy if you were disabled and she were caring for you.
• Listen to the nurse -- She may look young, but she wouldn't be where is is if she didn't know what she was doing.  Things aren't done the same way they used to be done.  Listen to her, she can tell you what to expect and why hings are happening the way they are.
• When it's time to go, go - After the baby has arrived, keep your stay short.  The new parents will need their sleep.  They will not sleep as long as they have visitors and in their mind anyone who is not the baby is a visitor.
• Ask her permission before you video, take pictures or put posts on facebook --no explanation needed!

These tips come, not from my own observations, but from the hundreds of times I have had a patient turn to me after a family member has walked out and say something like one of the above items.  I hope they will help you to reduce some of the stress and anxiety that comes with having a new baby.  It is a wonderful time in your life, enjoy every minute!